This is a strong
descriptive essay with just enough to improve upon to make it a B range paper.
As you read it, notice how it gets better as it goes along with the final two
support paragraphs demonstrating some powerful tone, figurative language, and
vivid language. Be sure to notice, too,
the struggles this writer had at the beginning of the paper in terms of maybe
trying to sound too emotional, too eloquent.
You know, trying to impress too much.
Be sure to mouse over the footnotes for my comments.
New Zealand Sunsets
New Zealand. If there was[D1] an image that I could bring back with me that could capture[D2] the sheer beauty that surrounded us, it would be the
magnificent sunsets. When the sun came[D3] down, everything seemed to come together. I felt the
stress of the day on my shoulders be released[D4]. When the colors faded in the distance all the
troubles of the day seemed to go along with them. There was never a problem too big, nor one
that could never be solved[D5]. Sitting and watching the sunset with the new
friends I had made, made the sights all the more beautiful. The air was filled
with tranquility as the ocean raced against the shore.
The day may have been ending, but the essence of the
light has taught me so much[D6]. Watching the sun go down, I remember how much I am
blessed. The brilliant colors, reflecting in the ocean, and the volcanoes that
line the horizon, sheer beauty surrounded me. Even though the air felt cold to my skin,
the scent of spring was coming. The fresh breeze renewed all scent of old, and
swept a gust of living air beneath my nose. The way the wind carried a small
pinch of salt from the water below helped me to realize that we are so small in
the vastness of the world. The irreplaceable relationships and the feeling of
belonging will always follow me[D7].
Looking over the hill from which we
sat I could see all the wonders of the world at once. A volcano sat in the
distance, unharmful[D8], yet a powerful presence. Straight ahead I could see
the ocean, and listen
to its lullaby as the waves crashed against the shore. Next to the beach sat a
forest, the tree tops painted green. The rocked back and forth with the wind.
When I looked in another direction I could see the city. The place that we had
come to work in, and to share the gospel in. I could see it all at once. There
is not another place in the world I can think of that you can see so many
amazing things at once[D9].
As the sunbeams refracted[D10] in the sky, it flooded with magnificent reds,
beautiful purples and deep oranges. The colors appeared to be dancing across
the sky. They were playing a game with the mind, for it only lasted a few
minutes. As the reds faded and the blues and purples emerged, my eyes would
begin to feel heavy. The air was filled with serenity and all I could hear was
the wind softly moving the trees and a few soft whispers from around myself. As
the temperature dropped and we added another layer, the grass began to feel
damp. Feeling slighter colder and a bit more wet we would walk back to where we
came from by the light of the stars and the moon. I remember them twinkling in the sky above
as dead silence lingered[D11].
Every time I need to get away and
bring myself back to a peaceful mindset, I close my eyes and take myself back
to New Zealand. The sunsets and a vision no one can ever take away from me. I
remember the wind blowing the hair away from my face. It seemed to take away
all that could block me from seeing such beauty, and opening myself up to
experience it in its fullness.
[D1]“were” In a sentence using “If,” use were instead of was.
[D2]Repetitive and wordy, but a good thought. “Capture” is a good word here.
[D3]Idiom: Normally we say the sun “went” down, not “came” down.
[D4]Awkward. I’d go with “…felt the stress of the day release from my shoulders…” or change the phrase completely.
[D5]Sounds good but really just repeats itself. This writer needs to get to the point now.
[D6]Maybe a little overstated or overblown. Try simplifying.
[D7]All through here, we see a lot of emotion, which is great. The description is pretty good but could use some better, more specific diction.
[D8]Not a word.
[D9]The tone and use of figurative language in this paragraph is impressive.
[D10]Excellent word choice.
[D11]Notice how this paragraph continues that strong fig. lang. and tone. Nice.